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Post by Wish on Apr 17, 2012 23:19:44 GMT -4
Can I ask you a question please
Promise you won't laugh at me
Honestly I'm standing here
Afraid I'll be betrayed.
As twisted as it seems, I only fear love when it's in my dreams
So let in the morning light and let the darkness fade away.
She had known, oh shards and shells she had known. She had known for a month now, and yet had denied it every time she tried to make herself even consider the possibility. How could she acknowledge what had happened to her? How could she admit it, especially out loud. People would know, people would say things, word would eventually get to the very ears she wanted least of all hearing this particular news. When she had started to be sick though, Ara could no longer ignore the fact that she hadn't had her monthly in two months.
It wasn't uncommon for her to skip, that's what she had told herself. The healers had another cause, and they had said it with such certainty that she could barely think of anything else. The scene replayed over and over again in her mind, not able to fully understand its meaning. Absentmindedly her hand slipped to her waist...and then lower. "How?" Except she knew that too, of course she knew that. The rider shook her head, confusion refusing to let go. How could this be possible, and yet she knew full well why this was happening.
All she knew now though, was she had to stop it. She had to stop it before he could find out, before he could know and...before he could...shards she couldn't even think about what he'd do! J'dol didn't do kids, he didn't like them, he didn't want them.....Ara whimpered slightly and clutched her head in one hand. What am I going to do? Her feet absentmindedly led her back to their weyr though, his weyr to be honest. She was all too happy to find that he wasn't there.
Her green crooned at her gently, Avirith's worried eyes swirling fast. You should tell him Mine. Ara quickly jerked her head back and forth. He deserves to know! The anger in the dragoness' voice was obvious enough to hear despite Ara's upset and clouded mind. Again though she shook her head. Take me between Avi....please, just take me between. Again the green refused, this time backing up and then flying out and landing on a hard to reach ledge. NO! You want this hatchling, you want it so badly.
Ara was crying by now, sobs silent as tears ran down her face. He'll hate me....I have to, please take me...please! Avirith shook her head, a hiss rising from her throat. NO! Kayath, send Yours, send him now....NOW! Mine needs him....please....NOW! I DON'T CARE IF HE'S SHARDING BUSY WITH YOUR EGGS EITHER, THIS IS MORE IMPORTANT! The Green's hysterics did not go unnoticed by Ara and she fell to the floor in the dragons' cave, her legs curling up and her head falling against them, her shoulders heaving with her tears and sobs.
There was no hiding it anymore.
Drowning in my loneliness
How long must I hold my breath
So much emptiness inside I could fill the deepest sea
I reach to the sky as the moon looks on
One last tear has come and gone
It's time to let your love rain down on me. |
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Post by Zirin on Apr 17, 2012 23:42:20 GMT -4
J’dol had spent the last few days curled up with the eggs, wallowing in self pity at how pathtic he had been at the clutching; whining like a little girl. He was a man dammit! Why had he gone and done that? So embarrassing. Oh and curling up with my eggs is sooooo less pathetic? Sulking, he rose, arms crossed, and moved a few steps away from the eggs. He supposed he could always go wallow in the weyr… maybe Ara would be willing to ‘comfort’ him. The thought made him smirk, suddenly feeling a bit better. That smirk was wiped off his face as Kayath roared angrily at his weyr, and he glanced over to see Avirith taking off from the ledge.
“Kayath what’s going on?” He asked, once again worried that something was wrong with the eggs. She said my eggs are less important than AraHer’s problems! AS IF! MY EGGS ARE EVERYTHING YOU IDIOTIC GREEN! J’dol rolled his eyes, patting at her snout before the message really sunk in. Ara had a problem? He glanced back at the ledge, this time worried about what might have happened to make Avirith flee. Maybe she was just upset that he hadn’t spent the last few nights away from the sands? No… she would just tell him if that was it…
“Kayath I’ll be back okay…” He called out as he ran for the room he and Ara shared, assuming – or rather hoping - she was there. It didn’t take long to get there, and he ran into the room panting, only to see Ara on the floor crying. “Ara? Ara what’s wrong?” He asked, dropping beside her and immediately pulling her into a hug.
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Post by Wish on Apr 17, 2012 23:53:57 GMT -4
He was quick to come, but she didn't-no hadn't-ever thought that he would be anything but. She shivered as she heard his footsteps, and then his voice, and then his arms were around her. Her head shook back and forth, her arms pushing out at him. "DON'T TOUCH ME!" She landed on her back side, arms covering herself and holding tighter to her body. Her whole body was shaking now, her lips trembling as she whispered words to herself. She would be alright, she would be okay.
Except she didn't feel okay. Her eyes flickered up at him, and then she couldn't keep them there. How could she? A rustle of wings folding jerked her head back though, a happy sob escaping her lips as Avirith padded toward the two of them. Tell him Mine.....please...tell him. I'm not taking you, tell him first. The starts of a smile turned into a frown and then a look of utter fear and pain. As usual the green had not censored her words, and it was not long until Ara jumped up and paced around the cave before heading for the room they shared.
The tears had ended, for now, but they would be just as quick to start again soon she knew. Her mind raced, her heartbeat going faster than she could have ever thought possible. Reaching out she clutched the edge of the bed as they started to spill over again. Aries cheeped from her spot curled up on the pillow, Bayi next to her and worrying. Ara couldn't answer them though, and she couldn't look up at J'dol. She just couldn't. Her arm did curve around her middle though, a subconscious action that she didn't even know had happened until she looked down and saw it there.
Just as quickly as she had placed it there, she yanked the arm away and clutched the bed sheets. I can't tell him Avi.....I can't.... The dragoness sighed, nudging the Topazrider forward, or at least motioning him to go in. Be gentle.....she is very scared Kayath'sOwn. Kayath...Kayath and you are not the only ones with hatchlings on the way... Ara looked up finally, guilt and fear in her green eyes as she blinked away the tears.
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Post by Zirin on Apr 18, 2012 0:22:06 GMT -4
He jumped back as she yelled at him. Never before had she been so... adamant about touching… sure she had been iffy from time to time but never like this. What had he done!? He’d been good! “Ara.. please just talk to me?” He’d never admit it but.. he was scared. He had never seen her like this! He looked questioningly at Avirith as he heard the green’s voice in his head, his worry turning to outright panic.
He stepped into the room tentatively, fearing he truly had screwed up somehow. After all… why else would she want Avirith to ‘take her’ somewhere? He stepped towards the bed, sitting on the edge and slowly trying to inch forward without her moving away. “Ara..?” He couldn’t seem to say anything else. Luckily, Avirith seemed to be incredibly good at knowing when to butt in. Although… her words simply confused him.
“Only ones with hatchlings?” He asked, and for a moment it looked like he understood, but then his idiocy got the better of him and he rolled his eyes and looked back at Avirith. “Well obviously Izanycorth’s eggs will be coming soon too. They rose pretty close.” He looked back down at Ara, not at all understanding why she looked afraid and… guilty? “Why are you so upset?”
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Post by Wish on Apr 18, 2012 0:31:44 GMT -4
Izanycorth......he though Avirith was meaning Izanycorth?!?
The Green hissed in frustration since her rider could only stare. Oh Faranth let the baby inherit my brain and not his. That was the only thought she could get out before her brain shut down again. He didn't understand, probably because he didn't want to understand. Her tears still were there though as was the fear, and she inched away everytime he tried to get closer. What had he done? Nothing and yet everything.
The dragoness snapped her tail irritably, fed up with her rider's lover. Hissing she shook her head, eyes whirling red. Idiot! I'm talking about her hatchling! Hers! The one she wants me to get rid of, but not really. She loves it, she's been telling herself she doesn't but she does. She can't hide it from me. Avirith looked over at Ara, a gentle croon rising from her chest.
The rider in return turned away and curled up on the bed, clutching a pillow to herself firmly. She didn't want to say it. If she said it then it had to be real. He would be so upset. He would be so very, very upset. Her eyes closed tighter as her shoulders trembled, the two Firelizards in her fair trolling gently to Theirs and watching J'dol warily.
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Post by Zirin on Apr 18, 2012 0:43:04 GMT -4
He didn’t understand. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to, or wasn’t smart enough to understand it… it had just never been a possibility in his mind. J’dol had never had a lasting relationship, he rarely saw a partner after a night or two together, so he had never dealt with the possibility that he would ever father a child of his own. Plus, Ara rode a green; as far as J’dol was aware, they betweened a lot. It just wasn’t possible. He stopped moving, his eyes widening like dinner plates as Avirith butt in once more and told him what Ara couldn’t. Had she just… she meant… Ara was…?
“Hers… oh.. oh no no no that’s not possible?” He shot up, his body tense as it really sunk in. She was pregnant. Pregnant, most likely, with his child. HIS child. “Are you sure? I mean.. duh.. of course you’re sure. Oh Faranth what do we do?! What do we do?! You… I can’t… A baby?” His hands had gone moved to hold his head and at some point he had begun pacing. He couldn’t handle this… not so soon after the emotional roller coaster of laying eggs. Something inside him… perhaps his own emotions or the part that was Kayath, was happy, but the part of him that was just a scared child was more powerful.
“I don’t know how to be a father!” He dropped back on the bed, still wide-eyed in shock.
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Post by Wish on Apr 18, 2012 0:51:56 GMT -4
She flinched as the first of his tirade started, her eyes shutting closed and her mind shutting off. Ara wasn't there anymore, and she placed a gentle hand on her lower stomach as she half listened to him talk. He couldn't, he wouldn't. She sighed as he finally sat back down and spoke, and the words cut deep. "Do....do you think I know anything more J'dol? What did you expect to happen? It's fine, I just need to convince Avirith to take me.....it'll be fine."
Her voice was monotonous, neither giving him or her any real comfort besides telling him she was trying to deal with it. As usual however Avirith was the more impulsive of the two and she snorted. Im NOT going! You want this hatchling! The added it was unfair was in her tone and she looked at Jdol as of to tell him to do something.
Ara for one was still laying on her side in a little ball, and more than anything she wanted his arms around her and comforting words in her ear. It would figure something like this would happen, a beautiful mistake. A terrible, wonderful, beautiful mistake. She couldn't get herself to say anything else, not yet. Ara couldn't even look at him.
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Post by Zirin on Apr 18, 2012 1:24:04 GMT -4
She was just as freaked out as he was… wasn’t she? J’dol paused his rambling to look at her – truly look at her. She looked so.. broken. Oh no that was his fault wasn’t it?! He glanced between Ara and Avirith, his mind and his body frozen to the spot. He didn’t want a child… well, he didn’t think he wanted a child. It would cramp his style and get in the way of wooing the ladies! But… well he wasn’t always trying to woo now was he… He had Ara, he didn’t need anyone other than her so that argument didn’t work anymore. Drama queen. I just a bunch of babies. It’s not that bad. SHE needs you right now. Hurry up so you can come back to ME. Shard it all, she was right! This was something more than just him. Why was HE being the big baby here! He was supposed to be comforting the woman he loved, not making her more upset.
“Ara.. Ara… sweetheart…” He had no idea what to say. No idea what to even think really. He scooted closer, putting a hand on her arm and hoping she wasn’t going to pull away again. “L-let’s not jump into things okay?” He scooted closer, trying to pull her into his shaky arms. “I mean… it’s… it’s just a kid… lots of people have kids… no big deal… right?” His voice was still panicked… but he was trying! They needed to calm down first… yeah. If they could get themselves all nice and calm, then they could figure out what to do… Avirith’s words made it pretty clear that going between would destroy Ara…
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Post by Wish on Apr 18, 2012 1:43:39 GMT -4
At the sound of her name Ara finally looked up at him, her eyes still full of worry but done shedding tears. Maybe it was because she was starting to slowly calm down or simply because there were no more tears left, either way they were mostly gone. The fact that he touched her, started wrapping his arms around her, she made a relieved cry and not just scooter, but darted into his arms and nuzzled against his chest.
To top it off, his words had her breathing calming down too. Sure she could tell they still held a frightened tone, but she was scared too. Her eyes closed as she breathed in deep breaths, her arms tightening around him in need of being close again. "I'm sorry......" She didnt know why she said that, except she did didn't she? Finally opening her eyes again the greenrider took a deep yet shaky breath.
"Yes, it happens all the time.....and J'dol, I'm sorry. I can't lie though, not to her or you. I want this child, I want to know what it's like to be a mother. I just had hoped you'd have more time to adjust to the idea first......to really make sure it was me you wanted. I'm sorry, but I can't....even if Avirith said yes." She bit her lip, finally leaning against him again.
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Post by Zirin on Apr 18, 2012 2:01:07 GMT -4
He let out a deep breath as she threw herself into his arms. This was an improvement, this was a good sign right? He wrapped his arms around her tightly, his heart beating in his chest as he continued to try to calm himself, though he couldn’t stop the shaking no matter how hard he tried. He had just had too much to deal with the past few days.. he was horribly unstable.
“Why are you apologizing? You have no control over this? Well… I mean you could have avoided me but… uh… we don’t want that do we?” He chuckled nervously, trying and failing to lighten the mood with a joke. Finally she was talking though; her, not Avirith. That was definitely a good sign!
“You want to know what it’s like to be a mother? It hurts Ara! I just did it!” He shuddered at the memory, once again wondering how women could do it more than once. He gulped as she finally spilled the truth though. She wanted to keep it.. her baby – no, their baby. “I… Ara…” He took a deep breath. “I shouldn’t have freaked out like that… I’m.. really sorry.” He couldn’t tell her anything else. He wasn’t father material! How could he raise a kid! And he couldn’t just let it be raised in the crèche… he didn’t want to be like his own mother. He didn’t know what to do.
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Post by Wish on Apr 18, 2012 6:58:17 GMT -4
Oh how she had needed this, his arms around her. Ara snuggled in closer, sighing in relief again. Maybe he didn't hate her, maybe things would turn out. She couldn't help but chuckle softly at his attempt at a joke though, which in all honesty she thought was hilarious. "I'm pretty sure I'd rather have not avoided you J'dol." Despite knowing it probably wasn't the best time, she reached up to kiss his gently on the lips, just something quick before he could know what's going on, that's what she aimed for.
"J'dol....it's not so much that, actually that part scares me a bit. It's just...the idea of holding him or her in my arms, feeling that life grow inside me. You know, Kayath feels it about her eggs now, you know that part too." She tried to reason, tried to get him to see her side of it. When he apologized though, she noticed he was still shaking. Another sigh escaped her, but this one defeated in tone as she shook her head. "It's okay, don't worry about it. I knew you'd do this, that's why I didn't want to admit that I've known it for about a month...well not officially known it, that happened just about a candlemark ago."
She paused, giving in finally and rubbing his back softly. "It'll be okay though....she'll take me. She won't like it, but she'll take me. I don't want to lose you because of this, I want you more." The green hissed, her tail lashing back and forth. No! I'm not taking you, you want it AraMine! No, no, no. How many times have you come to me crying because he has done something to throw you off, how many times have you kept quiet while he chased another? How many times have you been so close to just giving up and decided you weren't worth it, no not him, but YOU-as if you weren't apparently good enough. He will do this, or yes I will take you, but I will take you to Rhoanth'sOwn. She would help you, support and love you.
The dragoness turned around and left again, leaving Ara to shiver suddenly cold. "I....I so sorry....she's just upset......." Except everything she said had been true. Avirith had just said the things she never wanted him to hear; the fact that Ara had not been as passive about their relationship as he might have been led to think. She pulled away, moving to get up. "I'll just go get her, and I'll talk her into it...just.....I'll be back soon, okay?"
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Post by Zirin on Apr 18, 2012 8:38:22 GMT -4
He was having a hard time smiling - truly smiling - even as she his joke worked a little bit, as her lips pressed against his. Though he forced a smile, he couldn't make a real one show and he no doubt knew that would make her sad. Yet, he couldn't bring himself to smile. He nodded as she explained her feelings... he knew all too well how Kayath had felt, was feeling... that mothering instinct that had become a small part of him. He wanted to show her it was alright, that they could work through this, figure things out, but he had messed that up too, hadn't he. He grimaced at the defeat in her sigh; he had royally screwed up this time.
His grimace deepened and he couldn't look at Avirith; he knew the truth in everything she said. As much as he hated to deny it, Sevrin had opened his eyes to a lot of things he had been denying. Shards... maybe he would know what to do... Before J'dol could properly respond the green was off and his shaking had intensified. He pulled Ara closer subconsciously as she shivered, his thoughts running rampant as he tried to sort out just what he was feeling. Ara didn't want to give him time either; she had pulled away from him and stood up; he had no time left to think. Standing he pushed Ara back down to the bed as gently as he could and crossed his arms, looking down at her.
"Now you listen to me missy." He scowled, wanting his point to get across without any argument. "Yes, I'm a terrible person. Yes I flirt too much. Yes I keep hurting you without meaning to... but I'm working on it Ara. I'm trying to hold back, trying to change who I am so I can be something that you, and that shodding green of yours, can be happy with. Trying to change so I can be worth having someone like you!" The volume of his voice had risen and there was a slight note of terrified hysteria in it, but he didn't stop staring her down.
"No, don't move! I don't care what you're thinking right this moment, but I am NOT letting you leave this spot; not to go do something you'll hate. i may not be the best weyrmate but shardit Ara, I'm not that heartless!" He took a deep breath, trying not to panic. "Yes, I'm afraid! Yes, I've never thought about children before, and yes I think I'll be a terrible father... but you Ara, You'll be wonderful and kind and all the things I never had in a mother."
"I love you, Ara," He sighed, "We can.... we can do this..." There wasn't a lot of confidence in his voice; of course there wasn't he still couldn't even believe it was happening. But he had said only the truth. He couldn't make her between no matter how ill prepared he was for a child, and above all he couldn't force her to do something she abhored.
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Post by Wish on Apr 18, 2012 10:18:05 GMT -4
She hadn't expected him to react, certainly not that fast. Her heart beat rapidly in her chest as he stood up to, his hands grabbing her to push her back down. She fell onto the bed, sitting at its edge and throwing out an arm to grab his hip in case she stumbled before regaining her balance.
A strangled sound came out of her mouth as she tried to speak, but he beat her to it, talking instead. Oh and Faranth did he talk. She doubted she had ever heard this muc from him at once before....ever. Green eyes widened more and more the further into it he got too, and at one particular word she started to blink quite stupidly.
"I......I.....did you just say what I think you said?" Her head tilted, a soft smile curving on her lips as she got up, but this time to just stand in front of him. "Are you sure......we don't have to J'dol, Id understand." Her tone and face got more serious now, not entirely believing he was truly alright with it. A knot had formed in her stomach too, tightening when she waited for his answer.
A small whispered phrase did make its way out though, her hand reaching up to caress his cheek. "I love you too. I'm sorry this all had to happen at once..." She truly was. On normal circumstances this news would be difficult, with the rush of emotions he had been feeling with as of late, no doubt it was down right impossible to make sense of what he actually felt. "Let's call down for some food and talk some, okay?" That was probably the best choice, just talk through everything and understand what was going on.
Avirith landed on the ledge for the second time, a worried yellow in her eyes as she looked at Hers and Kayath'sOwn. Her mind finally slipped into his quietly and discreetly to keep from her rider. I am sorry for being so blunt....I worry about her though. Please, just be careful.
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Post by Zirin on Apr 18, 2012 12:01:08 GMT -4
In truth, it was outright panic that was helping him respond, and perhaps the weird bottled up feelings he had been trying to ignore since Kayath had become egg heavy. He was rambling, oh Faranth he knew it too... he knew this was the most he had ever said to her about feelings, but now that he had started he wasn't quite ready to stop. As she cut into his rambling with a question about what he said - the weyrmate bit no doubt - he paused on long enought o give her an exasperated look.
"That's not important right now! Listen you!" he blurted before jumping right back into rambles. She lived with him most nights anyways, by all definition of the word she had become his weyrmate long ago... perhaps when he had agreed to let her stay in his weyr to avoid trouble after that battle so many months ago. He took a deep, ragged breath after finishing he speech and eyed her warily as she began asking those questions he hated so much 'Are you sure'... in other words 'Are you lying'. His knees buckled and he suddenly found himself sitting on the floor.
"I... I don't know Ara... yes?" He mumbled. He couldn't tell her he was okay with it; he wasn't really. It was a level of commitment so far beyond his comfort zone that it made him shudder in fear and anxiety. If he accepted the child that was that... he was Ara's, she was his. It was final. Oddly enough, he realized, that finality didn't scare him as much as it would have a Turn ago... Oooooh look who's all grown up. Now hurry up. He glared at the floor and told Kayath to leave him alone for a bit. Now was not the time to be bugging him about the eggs that were safe and sound behind her claws.
"Should we talk now? Or is it bettter to wait? Or... oh shards I don't even know this much! " He was running a hand through his hair again. He jumped at Avirith's voice in his head, and from the look on Ara's face the message had been private. No.. no Avirith you're right... one of us had to be blunt... I'm just... just in shock is all... There was no guarantee the green was even listening to his thoughts anymore; perhaps he'd find some way to speak to her later... maybe when Ara was asleep. He rose on shaky legs and made his way to the shoot.
"F-food for two... and wine... a skin or three of wine..." He knew the last thing she probably wanted to hear was him begging to get drunk, but shells and shards did he ever need it right now. He waited in silence for the tray to be sent up, and was already taking a good swig of the wine before bringing the tray to the small table. He opened his mouth to say something, anything, but he had finally run out of things to say. For lack of anything better to do, he took another hearty swig of the wine.
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Post by Wish on Apr 18, 2012 16:57:55 GMT -4
Wasn't important? Well...she supposed she had to give him that. Sighing she stopped talking and listened more, and jerked forward as he stumbled to the floor. His voice, it was so uncertain. Maybe she should just...maybe she should...or would, and then tell him that it was a false alarm? That was good, right, that was what she'd do. There were plenty of friends that would take her. No, Kayath'sOwn she's thinking about getting someone else to take her and then lieing to you about it being false!
"Gee....thanks Avirith. Is nothing sacred between us anymore?" Not about this, no. The Green wasn't entirely fond of J'dol in that moment, but he was her greatest ally in keeping Hers safe and happy. Despite how much he didn't want to be. "It's fine...we can talk now. Probably best, just to entirely understand finally where we're going with this." She crossed her arms, taking the plate of food for her and eating a piece of fruit. It tasted good, and with the little bites it went down easily enough.
"I'd ask for some of that, but I don't think it'd be a good idea." She frowned as she looked over, unhappy that he was so upset that he needed to drink. Then again, if he did drink some he'd loosen up and be able to separate himself from Kayath's emotions more. Ara sat back on the bed, her legs criss-crossing with her tray on top of them. If he wanted some room, he could have it, or he could join her. Either way she was open to any possibility right now.
"Okay...so tell me the truth. What are you really feeling J'dol? Don't spare me the details because you're worried about hurting me. I need to know, you're opinion matters in this too." She took a deep breath, waiting for his answer knowing it probably wouldn't be that good of news. "Oh, and it does matter a bit about you calling me your weyrmate love. I thought the 'W' word was forbidden between us, sort of like the 'L' word was for a while there." A little smirk crept onto her face, but faltered soon as Bayi crooned and dived under her shirt.
"Hey, I already have one baby there, I don't need you there too....come here...no....bad...Bayi! ...there, now stay okay?" She had successfully chased the blue out of her top and had finally taken him against her chest, holding him tightly as he curled his tail around her arm with a pleased croon. "Shhhh...don't worry, I'm not upset because of you sweet one. Just quiet down now." Aries snorted from her place on Ara's shoulder, looking down at the blue with envious eyes. "Be nice Aries."
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