Standing on the Edge {Zero}

[Zirin]

They had given her something to keep her calm. Yufa wasn't quite sure what it was, but it certainly did the trick. Sometimes the dosage was so high that she could barely form a coherrent thought in her own mind; she supposed that was to keep her from having crazy ideas like she had before. The very thought of what she had done shamed her to no end; that she would ever lose control like that, her mother must be rolling in her grave! Yufa wanted to cry, to cry for who she had been, who she had become, for the things she had done and had yet to do. What if she had killed someone that night? Faranth knew she had done damage to Linda, though the girl seemed alright, all in all. The upsetting part of it was more than that though. What hurt Yufa the most was that she had liked it.

They had been keeping a closer eye on her since then, rarely leaving her alone for more than a few brief moments, and never was she left with sharp or deadly items. Her flits knew now to go for an infirmary aid the moment she started t lose control again, though luckily it had only happened once more since then, and only a minor relapse. The aides didn't like her, didn't trust her, and she knew it. Her eyes constantly followed the men and women in the room. She knew it freaked them out, and the holdgirl buried deep inside tried to make her avert her gaze, but the new Yufa, the broken one, would do no such thing. She wanted one thing now: out.

She was tired of the walls, tired of the infirmary beds, of seeing Braymoth's broken body outside... if Braymoth's silence didn't drive her insane, the infirmary surely would soon. So, when the opportunity arose to slip out, she did. In a way, as she walked barefoot along the grass, she felt free - freer than she had ever been before. For so long she had kept up her Holdgirl mask, for so long she had curtsied and lowered her gaze from those around her, but now... what was the point? She had destroyed her image entirely, in a single night. Sure, she still felt the need to give in to her inner holdgirl most of the time, but she was slowly breaking free.

Cassim chirped from her shoulder, dragging her back to reality and out of her mind. It was for the best. If she spent too much time thinking about the utter freedom and joy her little escapade had brought, she could very well give in to the desire again. Another chirp, and Yufa shook her head, for once not caring that her hair was a dishevelled mess, or that she had left her shoes and accessories behind. She glanced up and her heart stopped as a great red hide flashed overhead. Had he...? No... it must have been the sun through clouds. She felt her fist tighten at her sides, and next thing she knew, Cassim was nipping at her ear and her knuckles and injured shoulder stung. A quick look was all it took to notice the light hint of blood on the nearest tree trunk from where she had thrown her first into it.

She felt the tears stinging at the corners of her eyes and she dropped to the ground, cuddling Cassim as tightly as she dared. Why had control become so difficult, why was she losing herself, what had she become?

"I don't know who I am anymore..."

[Zero]

Ever since that fateful night in the WeyrBowl when they ran into the mentally unstable garnetrider, Th'eau had taken to more one-on-one training sessions with his brown. That look she had worn as she gazed so strongly as Nesteith had chilled the man to the bone. He had seen the malice in her eyes and knew, in an instant, that she had wanted to bring harm to his dragon. Luckily the pair had made it out unscathed but still he couldn't help but think back on that moment. The complete feeling of total weakness he had felt that night was so foreign, he had thought himself fearless, that ever since his mind had been replaying that moment in time over, and over, and over again. Thus the reasoning for them being out in the forest, the privacy and solitude were perfect for the round of training Th'eau had in store.

"There you go. Now keep 'em up...hold 'em high, Nesteith! Don't give in now...just a little longer..." With arms outstretched to his sides, the brownrider quickly moved and raised them high above his head, pleased as he watched his companion stretch his wings out in the same manner. The young brown grunted and huffed in minor agitation but his wings remained flexed. I don't see the reasoning or the purpose behind this, Mine. The former fisherman grinned through the ache he was beginning to feel in his shoulders. "We'll be flying soon. The more we strengthen your wings now, the quicker you'll excel in the lessons. And the better chance you'll have at escaping danger..."

Someone's here... Spinning around, Th'eau let his arms fall down to his sides with a grimace of pain, as his eyes searched through the trees for the wanderer. You could have predicted his surprise when his gaze fell on the crumpled figure of a girl huddled near the base of a tree. Instantly he recognized her from the night before and found himself pausing in the path he had already begun to carve her way.
Cautiously, Th'eauMine, she may still be unwell. But it would be his curious nature and natural kindheartedness that made him press onward. "Ex...excuse me, Miss? Is everything alright?" Feeling as though he already knew what the answer would be, he asked anyways.

The dark haired man made a note of her lack of shoes and any pack that would carry the basics necessities of trekking out into the woods and also how she was currently clutching something to her chest very tightly. Of course he thought it was another knife, as he wasn't able to see the flitter, and of course he was naturally on guard. They didn't need another repeat of the last time.

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[Zirin]

She hadn't really expected anyone to be out here, it was why she had come so far. It was the hope that, should she break down again it would only be trees and plants that got in her way, not other people again. Of course, she knew that if she really wanted to avoid the chance of an outburst she should have stayed in the infirmary, but she was tired of being trapped. Fresh air was supposed to do the soul good. She heard a draconic grunt, and for a brief moment her eyes flashed in hope. Yet again, Cassim was forced to nips at her to stop her. The epidote was right... there was no way it was Braymoth. Perhaps it was some wild animal, come to finish her off while she wasn't looking. She was going to just ignore it, but then someone spoke and she jumped up, trying desperately to brush off her clothes and wipe the tears from her eyes, Cassim chittering in agitation at the sudden movement before settling on her shoulder once more and regarding the weyrling with curiosity.

"Yes, fine thank you." She struggled to wipe the tearstains from her cheeks. "Oh Faranth I'm sorry, I'm such a mess, please excuse..." It was instinct to try to make herself presentable, it was what she had done for so long. She stopped her attempt and her arms dropped to the side as she looked at the man though, or rather, at his dragon. Th'eau's voice sounded familiar in her mind though her memory of him was hazy at best. The brown though... just looking at the brown made her eyes flash with danger, the very sight of him bringing forth the memory of that night. Her hand clenched and unclenched at her side and she was forced to look away.

"I suppose there is no use putting up a farce in front of you, is there? If I am not mistaken you know what I am, yet you still approach, brave Sir?" She grimaced, biting her lips as her eyes fell onto Th'eau's neck. Oh how very easy it would be to run at him, to sink her teeth into the delicate flesh of his neck and make him scream. Would his dragon tear her limb from limb to protect his rider? Cassim nipped at her and she jumped, not having realized that her hands were once more clenched and she had been licking her lips. With a shake of her head she made sure to look anywhere but at Th'eau. "Do accept my apology kind sir, they say I've gone mad! I would truly loathe myself if something were to happen to you." If the constantly changing tone of her voice was any indication, then perhaps what the healers said was true. She wasn't mad though, oh no. She was lonely.

"I do owe you an apology though... for my actions the other night. I suppose you could say I wasn't myself." Or maybe it was that she had finally become herself. Should she apologizing then, for being who she was? The question still remained of who she truly was now though, no longer a hold girl, barely a garnet rider, rejected from the healercraft... it certainly didn't leave much of an identity.

[Zero]

Th’eau had to stifle a shout of alarm and forced himself not to jump back as the girl practically flew to her feet at the sound of his voice. Of course he hadn’t meant to startle her and found himself praying he hadn’t set their meeting off on the wrong foot. Nesteith huffed and tossed his head back, finally allowing his wings to fold back against his sides. Maybe you should go back to the Weyr…I doubt seeing you while her dragon lies injured isn’t doing much good. Another snort came from the small brown and he moved to sit himself directly behind His, still towering over the man, just in case the other Rider got any strange ideas he could easily pull his own Rider out of harms way.
And leave you here while the RedOne still sleeps? Hardly…

Th’eau ignored the movement of his dragon till he felt the browns hot breath on the back of his neck and glanced up to see his companions head hovering inches above his own. Fine, but I don’t want a repeat of the other night. So be quiet and still. Looking back at Yufa, the man took note of her bruised and bloody hand and went to rummage through the bag hanging from his shoulder in search of a bandage or cloth. “Please, you have nothing to apologize for. Personally I think your actions were acceptable under the circumstances.” After a bit of digging he managed to produce a slightly dirty cloth and a skin half filled with water. He had, of course, taken note of the constant change in the pitch and tone of her voice but pushed any thoughts he had on the matter aside for now. Right now he needed to be calm and collected, show her he wasn’t a threat. Even though she was smaller than him, Th’eau was really trying to avoid a physical confrontation. Though he doubted it would be anywhere close to the fights he and his brother used to get him, he was pretty sure she’d still get at least one good punch or kick in before he could restrain her. He had learned women were unpredictable and wild like that.

Holding out the cloth and water skin he gestured towards her injured hand. “Need some help? That looks like it hurts. I don’t think I have any numbweed with me though…” Frowning Th’eau dove back into his bag for the second time, just to make sure he didn’t have any of the salve with him. Still holding the cloth and water skin in one hand, he waited for some sort of response from the girl, either inviting him closer or dismissing him completely. He wasn’t going to intrude on her space without her permission first. That and he was sure that protective ‘lizard of hers would take a swipe at him if he came too close.

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[Zirin]

She almost laughed at the way Th'eau's brown took a protective stance behind him, almost, instead she merely let a brief chuckle escape. She couldn't help but feel envious, not only because he was alive, but because she had never once had a partner that stood to protect her. Braymoth had always insisted that she overcome things. While physically there was little she could do, her will and determination had always been the thing she relied on to get through situations. Cassim nuzzled against her, once again trying to make sure she didn't get too lost in thought, and she sighed, reaching up to rub the epidote under the chin in thanks. He would keep her in line, she hoped.

"I wanted to kill you... I wanted to make you feel the the way I felt..." She mumbled, though despite the quiet, sullen tone she kept her eyes focused on his. She wouldn't bow her head, couldn't. She was past the point of lying and pretending she was a weak little girl to be fawned over and pitied. She was Braymoth's rider, and until he woke she wasn't going to back down. She glanced away only long enough to look at the offered materials. Part of her wanted to tell him that using something dirty could do more harm than good, that he should carry around clean equipment, but it would be better than nothing. Normally she would have had her own gear, but even her first aid kit had been taken from her. Her hand stung, but she realized she rather liked it. It was keeping her mind on something, at least.

"Part of me still wants to hurt you, I won't deny it. You, whom I've never met, and I want to watch you bleed." She grinned to herself as her voice cracked, the thought of blood and ichor on her hands was so pleasing in her mind. No.. no she couldn't. It wouldn't bring her garnet back. She looked up and held her hands up for him to see, to confirm that she had no weapon, her eyes holding more sorrow than anger. "I can't fathom it. I've never wished death on anyone before. Is it me that wants it... or am I false in hoping that Braymoth is still with me?" She took a tentative step forward, and for a moment the idea of grabbing at his throat crossed her mind, but another nip from her flit and she reached instead for the cloth. "Thank you. You are kind, sir, too kind. Why?"

[Zero]

The average person might have shrank and ran at hearing Yufa speak so casually about killing them. Your average person might have got it in their mind to drag the crazed and unstable woman back to the weyr and back to the healers. Luckily for them though, Th'eau wasn't the average sort of guy. He simply continued to put on his usual sideways sort of smile and took in what she had to say. "You know...I don't know everything there is to know about dragons yet, I'm still learning thanks to this guy," he patted the multi-hued brown leg beside him. "But I know loss... Yes, she was a wher but still no less important in my eyes."

It was there he paused. Really, he had no right comparing his brief, two turn, partnership with his little green to the life of her and her garnet and in no way was he trying to turn this around and change the focus to himself. He was merely trying to convey the fact that she wasn't alone in this. This stranger he had met only days ago and here he was trying to get her to see a brighter day or at least a small streak of light breaking through the dark clouds in her mind. She wasn't alone.
"Here, let me..." Shrugging off his pack, Th'eau took a step mirroring her own and after wetting the fishy smelling cloth, he gently took her hand and began dabbing away at the blood and muck. All the while Nesteith kept a very close eye on the two. "Don't mind the smell," he spoke up, referring to the cloth of course. "It won't hurt you, I promise. It'll just leave your hand smelling a little fishy for a little while."

He smiled somewhat nervously at her comment on his kindness and gave a little, half shrug. "I don't know where it comes from, to tell you the truth. I guess it's just in my nature to look after others. Oh and please stop with the 'sir'...you're making me feel older then I am here. My name's Th'eau."

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[Zirin]

He was brave, or perhaps stupid. Yufa wasn't quite sure which it was, perhaps he was a little bit of both, or maybe she wasn't as intimidating as she had believed. In a way, she hoped it was the latter, she had never wanted to be intimidating. Then again, the idea that she didnt strike fear into his heart at all was... well it was mildly upsetting. Without even trying Braymoth could make those around him uneasy, and yet this man wore a smile and was willing to approach her despite her interest in hurting him. How? She herself had never liked approaching a new dragonless, and while she didn't technically fall into that category, she knew enough about healing, and herself, to know she portrayed some of the same characteristics.
　
Her eyes narrowed and she felt the rush of bloodlust once more as he drew her attention back to Nesteith. She was trying so hard to ignore him, and yet there she was, giving the brown an almost hungry look again. She scowled as the man spoke. It seemed, despite his kindness, this one was no different from the rest. He would lecture her and pretend he understood what she was going through. It made the thought of hurting him that much stronger in her mind.
　
"You know nothing." She hissed, advancing closer. Her hands clenched into fists once more. "You don't know what it's like-" She cut herself off at his words though. A wher? He had lost a partner before? She stopped where she stood, her eyes wide in surprise. This man, who had not once stopped smiling, and he had gone through the same thing? She knew little about whers, only that they were rather ugly, vicious creatures of the dark that bonded to the mind like dragons. Was that why he was being so nice to her? Was it because he truly understood how empty she felt? Tears were threatening to fall again, and she had to shake her head to hide it, merely holding out her hand for him to take.
　
"I don't mind," She finally said after a moment of watching him work on her hand, her voice barely audible as she tried to calm herself. It was a strong smell, especially up close like this, and once upon a time it may have made her shy away. Now though, the only thing she truly noticed was that, because of the fish, she couldn't smell the salves and ointments of the infirmary, or the oil used on dragonhide and leather. It helped to cover up the reminders. "I... I think I like it." Besides, maybe if she smelled of fish, the healers would give her some space.
　
"I am.. or rather I was Yufa." She certainly didn't feel like she was the same person anymore, even if her normal personality was still there, to a point. Would she ever be herself again, did she want to be? "Th'eau..." She gave his name an experimental try as she looked up at him again. Maybe he would know how to cope better. "How did she... How did you lose her? How did you move on?"

[Zero]

Really he could have almost predicted her reaction; it had played out in his mind the moment the words had left him. It had merely been a comment regarding his own past. He hadn't meant to seem like he was going to launch into a lecture. His only goal had been to assure her that she wasn't alone and that someone was there to listen to what she had to say. Shards...

Yet here he stayed, quietly cleaning up her hand to the best of his ability with a fishy smelling rag that had been stuffed in his old pack for who knows how many days. "Well you'd have to be the first girl I've met who's actually admitted to liking the smell." By the time he had finished, most of the bleeding had stopped and clotted, revealing her bruised knuckles and broken skin. "There we go..." Letting his hand fall from hers, Th'eau took half a step back and stooped over his bag to stuff the cloth and waterskin away.

He was still in mid-pack when she mentioned his wher and for the first time since running in to her that day his smile faltered and his eyes flickered with sadness at the memories of his past life. "Thesk..." The brownrider spoke the name of his old companion softly before clearing his throat and looking back up at her, a faint smile still on his face despite the painful memories. "It was during Threadfall. It was the first time Thread had fallen at night since our wherling lessons had ended and I had become a full on Handler." He had to pause here and swallow the invisible lump that had begun to form in his throat, all the while nervously rubbing the back of his neck.

"I had thought the Fall had ended by the time we headed out to check if any burrows had formed but...I was wrong of course. A nasty clump had snuck past the dragons overhead and...and..." He choked on his words as his eyes welled up with tears, he had to force himself to look away from her and found an interesting patch of grass to focus on. But the pain and the memories, they were practically too much for him. It took a gentle nudge and nuzzle from Nesteith, unnerved and upset at his riders feelings and thoughts, to bring Th'eau back around so he didn't completely breakdown on the spot. "An-and I blinked and then...she was just....gone. Just like that my young friend had been tore apart in the blink of an eye and I never even got to say goodbye..." He cleared his throat and absentmindedly began to stroke the large head that had found its way to his side.

"I'm sorry...I just, haven't talked about her in a long time. But ah...my family were the main ones who helped keep me sane when it happened. I suppose the most credit goes to my young nephew. That kid, I swear it's virtually impossible to frown after spending just five minutes with him..."

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[Zirin]

"There's a first for everything, isn't there?" She replied quietly, taking her hand back now that he had finished. She gave an experimental clench, wincing as it stung. Good, she liked the faint pain, the reminder that she was still alive, that there was still a faint sliver of hope for Braymoth. She looked back at Th'eau and wondered briefly if this man had any weak spots. Despite her threats to kill him and her outbursts, he hadn't once stopped smiling. Was it a mask, like she herself had worn for so long, or was he genuinely that calm? Ah.. there it was! She couldn't stop herself from letting out a low hiss of delight at the change in his posture, in his expression. The sadness, the mental pain, it was wonderful!

Eyes shining, she listened to his story, though the farther he got, the less thrilled Yufa felt. The inkling of her that was Braymoth slowly calmed, making way for the healer part of her, the mothering part, to take over. Seeing him like this... It was, well it was heart-wrenching to see him go from calm and collected to fighting back tears. Truly then... of anyone in the weyr, perhaps he did understand what she was going through. In a weird way though, she couldn't help but feel envious.

"I'm sorry for your loss." She whispered, looking away. Her voice though, was genuine. "At least her passing was quick? Mostly painless? How lucky..." She trailed off for a moment, before clenching her eyes closed with a grimace. "They drug me every morning, to stop my screams. I dream of it you know... of falling. Every time I hit the ground and I feel it all over again... the pain. I never wake up before hitting the ground." That smile, that eery, otherwordly smile she took on when her thoughts went astray returned. "Do you know what its like to feel your bones shatter again and again? Every time you close your eyes? To have your neck torn by dragonteeth, to fall for that long knowing you will hit the ground?" Her hand clenched at her throat, her nails digging into the delicate skin, though from the mildly crazed look in her eyes it was clear she didn't notice, even as her nails pierced the skin and began to draw blood.

"I was him. He was I. We were one then, in Flight and in the fall, and the crash. We were one and then... " The tears came freely now, despite her smile. "It was like waking from a bad dream then, but instead of everything being alright he was gone. Gone... I didn't even feel him leave... and now..." Her free hand slapped away Cassim as he tried to calm her, crooning in her ear and nipping gently. "Now I see him every day, lying there. And they tell me he's alive, but I can't feel him!" Her words were choppy, broken by sobs despite her best efforts to stop herself from crying. "I can't do it Th'eau! I can't watch him waste away day after day. He was all I had left!"

She dropped to her knees, rubbing futiley at the tears and not at all caring that she was smearing blood everywhere. She was alone, more alone than she had ever been before, and there was no one she could turn to for comfort. Her mother had been dead for Turns, her father murdered by her own hands, her brother off fighting a war he didn't belong in... of the few friends she had, she had managed to stab two of them in her crazed rage. There was no hope left, only dark, empty loneliness.