Your Name: Taylor
In the market, hatching token: "Want to ask a question about a hatching? Here's you token." Should be "your token".
theobsidianrebellion.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=ads&action=display&thread=1236:
"In Trelis the Senior and JuniorQueens have finally risen, and their clutches were greeted with rejoice" You probably want a space between Junior and Queens.
theobsidianrebellion.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=info2&action=display&thread=564"These children are raised mainly as a small family unit by the Headwoman and some other older children, candidates, or people." This sentence sounds odd. People sounds like its own category, implying that candidates and older children are not people, I think. That and it seems odd to specify children and older children as two groups. "These children are often raised in a small family unit formed by themselves, the Headwoman, and other people such as candidates."
"It's an affectionate term though, and is not derogatory among Weyrfolk. In holds, in can be though." This sounds oddly conversational in the sort of rambly, going back to correct what you just said, sort of way. Combining them ("Among weyrfolk, this is an affectionate term, while it may be derogatory among holders." for example) might sound better.
"Still others, completely ignore the fact that they have young at all." I think that comma is unnecessary and makes it sound stilted.
"Eventually, the weyrbrats are moved into the candidate barracks at the age of 13. Sometimes, it is even 12 if they are about to have their birthturn and there is a clutch on the sands." That second sentence sounds awkward. Again, you could perhaps combine these two? "Eventually the weyrbrats are moved into the candidate barracks at the age of 13 or, if there is a clutch on the sands near their birthturn, even twelve" or something?
"The thing is, not all candidates are from weyrbrat stalk." *stock, not stalk
"Candidacy starts from the moment a search dragon finds a suitable child from 13-21." Would sound better if you included the word "age", so perhaps "between the ages of 13 and 21."
"Sometimes, there are even candidates found during Weyrbusiness in holds not belonging to the Weyr." I think "belonging to" sounds overly possessive and feudalistic. Perhaps "in the jurisdiction (or territory) of" or "under the protection of"?
"Either way, eventually the day comes to where the touching occurs." The phrasing here is very awkward. "Eventually the day of the touching arrives" maybe?
"Even, if the rider also dislikes the dragon a bit too." That shouldn't have a comma.
"Sleep does come thankfully after a while into the night too." This is oddly phrased and sounds a bit awkward. Rewrite it somehow?
"By the age of 8 months, the dragons start to between into different areas." A lot of the writing on this page (such as specifying that runners are horses and weyrs are rooms) seems aimed at those who may not be familiar with Pern, to help them join the site without too much trouble. As such, it might be good to say what
betweening is? Even just a few words would be good.
"Also, around one turn is when males start chasing and fighting females start to rise." "Chasing and fighting" sounds like one phrase, at first, so it sounds like males are fighting females. Might be better if you switch the order, so "Around one turn, fighting females start to rise and males chase them for the chance to mate" or something?
"As a fully fledged rider, you are put into groups called wings. This changes where you sleep in the Weyr, since certain wings sleep on certain floors." These are the only two sentences in second person; change them to third like everything else.
"They also work on weyrling lessons like betweening to make sure that everything is perfect and flawless." Don't call them "weyrling lessons" since they aren't; they are drills. Perhaps "They also practice the skills they learned in weyrling lessons such as betweening, making sure that everything is perfect." ("Perfect and flawless" is also redundant.)
"In a wing, there are three riders who out rank the others." Outrank is one word.
"The Wingleader rides a King dragon, the second either a younger King, or a sub-king." The first comma should be a semicolon and there should be a comma after "the second". The comma after "king" is unnecessary.
"The third riders either a younger sub-king, or a male fighter." *rides, and that comma is unnecessary
"Occasionally, female fighters are known to become wingthirds, but it is rare due to their dragons being more scatterbrained than male dragons." You either need to change it to "the riders of female fighters" or "these dragons." Because right now it sounds like female riders can't become wingthirds because their dragons are more scatterbrained.
"When a rider and dragon get too old to be effective during drill, they are retired and often are put as watchdragons or searchdragons." You don't need that second "are".
"When a rider gets to the point where they know the end is near, he/she will often go on one last flight with their bonded, and between with no destination." This is the only time you use "he/she" instead of singular "they." You should remain consistent.
"Effectively, dying with their dragon in a more or less peaceful manner." This isn't a complete sentence and sounds oddly tacked on. If you delete the comma after "effectively" and turn the period at the end of the last sentence into a comma, you can combine them smoothly.
theobsidianrebellion.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=creatures&action=display&thread=629:
"The larger the father the larger the clutch." There should be a comma after "father."
"For instance, a Gold and Bronze clutch has a better chance at being in the 15-20 egg range than a Brown's." This is oddly worded to where it suggests that a brown is single-handedly producing eggs. "For instance, a gold is more likely to produce a clutch in the 15-20 egg range when caught by a bronze than a brown" might be better.
"If you need a reference point look at the bottom of this post for different clutch ranges." Put a comma after "point."
"You can roll these yourself for background info and just for curiosity's sake, however staff will do the official role since there might be mutations or specials in the clutch." "role" should be "roll".
theobsidianrebellion.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=creatures&action=display&thread=711:
You should label the second post "Wher Growth", since you've labelled the other two posts with species.
theobsidianrebellion.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=creatures&action=display&thread=567:
"They are much like hawks in appearance, except their coloring is much more colorful being like parrots or other tropical birds." You should put a comma after "colorful." And "other tropical birds" isn't really necessary.
"The three types of Huntyres found consist of two males and one female. Rainbow Huntyres, which are the dominant male, have multiple colors on them. Often they will have multiple arrays of reds, blues, greens, purples and oranges. The second male is called a Lunar Huntyre. The Lunars have either white or silver bodies with soft blue, gray or green plumes mixed in. Forest Huntyres, being the only female of the species, are duller in colour. They generally will have bodies consisting of brown, tan, gray and green plumes." I'm assuming you once only had three types? Now, though, you should update this, since there are five and forests are not the only females.
"Usually a slate gray or black color, it is used to both crack open nuts of fruits and berries, and to get into shells of little sea creatures or rip into land prey." You should say "their beak", not "it", since the last thing you speak of is their talons.
"The second in command are always the females." Either say "the second-in-commands" or "is always a female".
"When a Forest or Sunrise is about to rise, all males interested, whether they be Rainbow to Lunar chase her." "whether they be Rainbow to Lunar" sounds odd and isn't necessary. If you do choose to leave it, you need a comma after Lunar.
"giving her presents of tasty fruits or beautiful shells and/or pebbles." This would sound better if you turned the first "or" into a comma after "fruits".
"Not all eggs are viable though. In fact, a clutch of 12 eggs usually has about 4 duds. There are instances though where all eggs will hatch." These three sentences sound a bit rambly and contradictory and could be condensed. "While there are instances where all eggs hatch, this is rare. A clutch of 12 eggs, for example, usually has about 4 duds."
"The other females in the flock also take turns protecting the eggs, and no two females with clutch at the same time to ensure the safety of the young." *will clutch
"Huntyres have a different set of colors/emotions." As compared to...? "Huntyres' eye color depend on their emotions" would be better.
"*Sizing for Huntyres is in feet, also it is referring to the height of the bird.*" The comma should be a semicolon, but this sentence sounds strange. "Sizing for Huntyres is in feet and refers to the bird's height" would be better.
"Rainbows are the largest of the three breeds." *five
"Other than the two plumes that reach down past their tail feathers, they also have a crest." "Other than" should be "In addition to".
From the pictures it appears that all males have crests, and yet you don't mention it in the Nightshade's description, only the Rainbows and Lunars. Since it is universal among males, you could mention it in the anatomy description at the top, rather than repeating yourself in each male bio.
You could add the neck fluff for females into the anatomy thing, as well. And you probably don't need to mention the trailing feathers in every bio; having it in the anatomy description at the top is sufficient and you should just say what is unique about each type in its biography.
"Lunars are like any of the other breeds, except they are very pale and ghostly." If their colors are different, how are they the same? Unless this is just referring to the species-wide anatomy, in which case it feels a bit unnecessary and obvious.
"Just like with the previous two, Lunars have two longer plumes trailing past their tail feathers" If you do keep this individual description in every breed, change "two" to "four" here.
"With a sharp beak and talons that are either a slate gray or black color, they stand out among the jungle terrain around Trelis." Isn't that what everyone's beak and talons look like? Also it doesn't seem like grey talons would make them stand out.
theobsidianrebellion.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=creatures&action=display&thread=568:
"Firelizards do not care about who they impress to gender or sexuality wise." Comma after "to"
"They impress also only to people, or on the occasion bondeds, that have food for them." "that" should be "who". Also "or the occasional bondeds" would sound better, I think, than "or on the occasion bondeds".
"Even after their bonded dies, a firelizard can re-impress to someone else." Delete the "even" - it doesn't really fit here.
"The only difference is that both Green and Gold flits clutch." Because you have more female colors capable of clutching, "both" isn't the best word here. "Unlike in dragons, green firelizards can clutch" would be better.
You have two icon/banners for firelizard colors but no more. They also don't have any information or anything under them. Based on the wher page I'm assuming that is meant to be a mini-profile for the flits. You should either complete that portion of the page or remove the unfinished part until you get the chance to.
theobsidianrebellion.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=creatures&action=display&thread=566:
"Their eyes are also very sensitive to light, which gives them excellent night-vision" "Night vision" is two words with no dash.
"An adult gold wher, is approximately the size of a newly hatched gold dragon." Delete the comma.
"Whers bond through a strange mix of mental and physical feelings, most often with their mother matching them to a chosen handler based on their personality and thoughts before hatching." This sentence is awkwardly written. "Whers bond through a strange mix of mental and physical feelings, often with the help of their mother who matches them to a handler based on their personality and thoughts before hatching"?
"All wher's names end in -sk, with their names being seemingly randomly chosen by the wher upon hatching and bonding." That's misleading; you should say that they take their handler's name and choose how much of it to take.
"Upon impression, his/her wher said that its name was Tirusk." You usually use singular "they" - don't switch to "his/her" for one instance.
"Both greens and golds clutch for whers. However, greens only clutch about 1-4 eggs. While golds can clutch anywhere from 6-16 eggs. Not all hold hatchlings though, due to infertility rating being higher in whers, many eggs end up duds." As with the flits, you should acknowledge that there are more than just green and gold, if you are going to talk about who can and cannot clutch. Since you state clutch sizes and whether or not there are duds in the mini-profiles below, you don't need to include that information here.
"Gold's start to rise at around two turns and clutch 3-13 egg with as many as up to 7 duds." Two things: it should be "Golds", not "Gold's" and you perhaps should say "start to run", since they don't exactly rise?
"Blue whers are able to chase at one turn and can chase green and gendered white females, occasionally a smaller gold as well." "Gendered" is unnecessary and sounds odd. The last part should be reworded to flow better. "as well as the occasional small gold"?
"Whites can rise and chase at two turns for both genders and can clutch, if gendered female or hermaphroditic, anywhere from 1-3 eggs with as many as 2 duds." Dragons are strictly dyadic; are whers not? If white whers do not have strict binary sexes, you should mention that as more than a single word in their mini-profile.
The "rise/clutch/chase" is also not really necessary under each picture and would probably be better erased.
theobsidianrebellion.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=creatures&action=display&thread=569:
"Pernese dragons are four legged, two winged, equine-like creatures with smooth, not scaled hides, and long bodies." "not scaled hides" sounds strange. Scaleless would be better.
"Upon graduation, they join the weyr's Wings, where they serve out their lives until they become either injured or too old to fight any longer." Should probably say "too injured", since riders and dragons get injured and recover and rejoin wings all the time.
"The rider needs to make sure his or her female takes blood only, however." You should probably say why, since this is another one of those "aimed at newcomers or intended as a reminder" pages.
theobsidianrebellion.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=info1&action=display&thread=555:
"Weyrwoman deals with "Household" issues, Weyrleaders watch over the Wings." The comma should be a semicolon.
"The ends may change is because Sub-Queens and Sub-Kings *as well as possible future Kings* do not always choose the same gender as themselves." This should be re-written. Make it more clear what you mean by "the ends". Also, "as well as possible future Kings" should perhaps be removed - it feels more like notes kept here as a reminder than actual information.
"Generally younger Sub-kingriders or any Fighting color's rider." Fighting doesn't seem like it should be capitalized.
"Despite their prior ranking in other Weyrs, all recruits start out as simple Rebels *unless they're Weyrlings, Candidates or Unbonded*" "Despite" should be "Regardless of"
"All dragon candidates must be searched by a dragon before entering candidacy, and be confirmed by the Senior Weyrwoman, or one of her Juniors." This is in the Rebellion post, where there is no Weyrwoman - change it to the Rebel Leader.
theobsidianrebellion.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=info2&action=display&thread=861:
"It is the live-stalk part of Farming, and many Beast Crafters end up either working within family land, trader caravans, or are chosen to become candidates." *livestock
"The best have always been said to live around Benden Weyr." Aren't the best from Benden
Hold?
"Tanners are also often found around Beast crafters because they get their medium from live-stalk." *livestock
theobsidianrebellion.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=records&action=display&thread=73:
"Weyrbrats" is misspelled as "weybrats".
Also, on the colors information page: "However, there are smaller blues that go away from this stereo-type." Stereotype is one word.
Marks Earned: 72 mistakes if all accepted x5=365 marks
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